Grace me with your cold shoulder

If the grass seems greener on the other side, it’s because it’s fertilized with bullshit

Something that I just randomly stumbled across.. but it rings so true.

Love is a loyalty sworn, not a burning for the moment.

Wow.

Is it sad that I hope my ex husbands girlfriend dies giving birth to their daughter?

Transcripts

July 4, 2010

ME: Looks like you got your piercings back and shaved your head. Since I can’t call you, I figured this might be the quickest way to get a hold of you. How is everything going?

HIM: ok, still trying to find a job, might have one in the next few days.

not a lot else going on

ME: what is the job prospect?

HIM: Grocery store down the road

ME: back with your mom I guess?

HIM: no, still at Bretts

ME: so how are you on the computer?

I got a letter in the mail that said that you did not get the job with dominos based on something in your consumer report

HIM: well right now i am at the Library, and we were using brett’s sisters laptop

ME: that means something is wrong with your credit

have you asked your dad if he has paid the bills he put in your name. Or maybe there is something that he didnt tell you about

HIM: no, but i am going to now,

ME: I dont know if that is what is going on

or not

you might want to look into getting your credit report and seeing what in the hell is on there

HIM: true

Bretts dad could not give me a job right now because he is over staffed, but he is trying to pull some stings with his contacts around town

ME: whatever

I just got a bill in the mail for the insurance

and since they covered me and then cancelled due to non payment

I cannot take you off the account

so I owe them over $700

and I am not even caught up on the car note

much less paid my mother back

at this point… if you arent making money for me now, it wont matter in the future.

because I am going to break my back and take care of it

Look, I didnt mean to fight. I am getting out of here.

HIM: well if you would like to talk later, Brett’s number is ***-***-****

July 10, 2011

HIM: I know we both have been avoiding this conversation. Its over between us and it has been for a while hasnt it?

ME: how the fuck can you say that? Are you just giving up on us?

HIM: Well i do not have a job yet and all i do is upset you and myself. We love each other and we tryed but there is no since of liveing like this. You deserve better than what i have given you and what i ever will be able to.

ME: can you call me? my cell is shut off, but my parents # is (###-####). I called Brett, but he is still at work

or is there another # I can reach you at so that we can talk.

HIM: I got saras phone i will call

ME: I probably wont be home today until late. Working late (as usual) and I am going to try and get my hair done. I dont know if I even want to talk to you anymore because it seems that you really dont want to talk to me

July 13, 2011

ME: I am still pretty hurt, but I seem to be moving past it and I am more angry than anything. I still can’t bring myself to say anything hurtful or spiteful to you, but I do have the thoughts. I do not really want to play mind games with you right now. If a divorce is what you want, I will give you that as soon as I can afford it.

July 14, 2011

ME: you online?

HIM: Yea

ME:i didnt get a response from you on the last message that I sent you

and you barely talked to me on the phone

I just want to know whats going on

this silence shit is really killing me

Its Mallory isnt it?

HIM: That is what i want. I will send you some money to send me the rest of my stuff. Once i start working i wil help pay for this

I can give you bretts address

Its not mallory. I am just not happy with us anymore. It just fell apart

ME: Im trying not to be insecure

but you just seem to distant

and this change of heart from you is so sudden

makes me think that there is already someone on your mind

HIM: I had been thinking about for a week or so before i made up my mind. I know i seem distant its because i just wanted to avoid this talk.

ME: I guess I am also insecure because you dont seem that fucked up about it

like completly numb

HIM: Its hard to say that its over

I just donot know what else to say

I cannot lie to you, there is someone else, its not mallory. You deserve to know

ME: who?

and you are right

I deserve to know

you owe me so much, but you at least owe me thing

this*

HIM: You do not know her

ME: how long has this been going on?

I feel like this needs some clarification,.

you are not even with her… you dont know what your relationship is

so I am being dumped so you can have the CHANCE to be someone else

do I have that right?

I never would have expected this from you.

I never… not once… thought about being with anyone but you. Even now.

I cant even say that I hope that she makes you happy.

I hope she hurts you even remotely as much as you are hurting me.

I fucking hate you

& I am not sending your shit to you until you send me some money

You arent any better than your fucking father. I should have known

HIM: I should have a job soon and Will send you money. All i want is my pics, my cards, and my steppenwolf pic

ME: Why the fuck should I should give a shit about getting your precious trinkets back to yuo

you*

are you going to send me my heart back?

I am going to send your things to your dads house. I already have the address

505 Wilson Way

I dont want to know Bretts address. That might be dangerous information

nothing?

still numb towards me?

tell me the truth… and you owe me that

have you fucked her? It would actually make me feel slightly better if you have

Because right now I am feeling dumped for a girl that has barely batted an eyelash at you

HIM:I did not dump you for her, it has been over for a long time. I never slept with her or anyone else. I did not dump you for mallory, in fact i have not even talked to her.

ME: regardless of what is going on, you are paying for the divorce so we are staying married until then because I am not paying for it

July 16, 2011

ME: wow. defriending me on facebook? Do you really think that is going to get rid of me? you are right… its been over Brandon. But we are still married whether we like it or not. I love you enough to want you to be happy, even though I dont agree that it should be with someone else. I am done fighting with you and assigning blame. We grew apart, plain and simple. But, until the divorce is final, we need to communicate.

HIM: I still have your moms number and you have mine

ME: does that mean that you going to answer when I call?

July 18, 2011

ME: tried calling yesterday, but when you didnt answer I figured you were busy and/or asleep.

July 19, 2011

ME: I dont know what to do

I have a cell phone now, but I dont know if you even want the number

Im done stressing over this. It is literally affecting my health, which wasnt all that good to begin with.

HIM:If you want to give me it thats cool if not well thats ok to, your hair looks good

ME: it looked even better when it was first done, but you know how that stuff fades

oddly enough, my mom and dad like it.. I think they are just taking pity on me

If you need to get a hold of me, just FB me

FB message I mean

HIM: Right shit fades quick

Ok

Might be geting a job at a headshop in springfield, if so gona grow the mohawk back out

ME:cool

I have started paying mom back because her credit card bill was pretty high because she was taking care of us

whenever you are able to help out, let me know

ME: Well i can try and send some money once i get paid

whatever you can send is much appreciated

HIM: How much did she give me?

ME: altogether with train ticket
about a thousand

HIM:Train ticket?

ME: not the train sorry. I am so busy right now
bus ticket

HIM:Well i will send money to help pay your mom and cover the cost of mailing my stuff

ME: ok

and then you can start saving for the divorce

HIM: Yea and other shit

ME: well the divorce does not need to happen soon. It obviously isnt stopping you from living your life

HIM: And i should not stop you from living yours

ME: not being divorced is not stopping me from living my life. Its not like I am ready to get married again.

so who cares if we stay married until we can afford a divorce

I think that we have to be separated for 6 months to a year in Texas anyways. I dont know how we are going to work it because we were married in VA, I live in TX and you are in MO

I feel so lost without my best friend

I dont want to wake up in the morning

July 21, 2011

ME: Considering that your ringback tone says something to the effect of someone not believing in you, I can only assume that is directed completely at me. I just want you to know that I never stopped believing in you. The loss of faith came from you. So you can quit playing the victim to your new equally broken girlfriend.

the reason why you didnt succeed is because i believed in you. Dont kid yourself

since you never shouldered the blame, you can blame me for that too.

I have left the grieving stage of this… and entered the angry stage

and the longer you wait to answer me, or respond to me, or acknowledge me, the madder I am going to get.

Dont think I give a fuck that you dont want to have this conversation. Just like you didnt want to support me, didnt want to step up and be dependable, and didnt want to be the man you promised me you could be for me.

You couldnt even be my friend when I was possibly miscarrying your child ALONE

Even if that wasnt what happened, and we will honestly never know

It must be nice to always blame others for your shortcomings.

“I didnt get off my ass and do a damn thing to better myself, but only because you didn’t believe in me.” This is what you are pretty much saying to me right? How fucking pathetic

I dont feel fucking sorry for you, or happy for you

For what you have done to me, you deserve so much more hate than I can muster.

Wasting six years of my life

Putting me into debt

only to give up on us as soon as someone else promised you what only I can give you

You deserve to die empty, diseased, and alone just like your dad

Im done trying to save you… because you need to save yourself

and you should AT LEAST have the common fucking courtesy to not drag someone else, with their own unique set of challenges, into this fucking mess.

but you never gave a fuck about anyone but yourself

such a damn survivalist that you always got yours and never really learned to put anyone else first

thats why you are a shitty husband.

among other things

July 22, 2011

ME: please do me a favor and add me as a friend and then unfriend me. That way I dont have to see anything on my news feed about you. Thanks. Oh, and please tell Stacey to do the same.

July 25, 2011

ME:I see that you want to cover up your tattoo. Wow…
Not trying to fight, just didnt expect that

February 6

ME: I was thinking about you today. Was wondering how things were going, and if you have found out anything about getting divorced.

HIM: Everything is great. Im excited were having a baby girl. Im still looking into the divorce. How are u doing?

February 7

HIM: How r u and ur bf doing

ME: No boyfriend

HIM: Hows work

ME: Good. Got a raise

HIM: Oh sry thought u was with some1

Thats good congrats

ME: No. Not really interested in being in a relationship

HIM: How come

ME: Dont want to take care of anyone

HIM: If u date some one or go on dates dont mean u have to take care of any1

ME: I respectfully disagree, and i would prefer we not talk about this subject okay?

HIM: Ok. U brought it up so i figured it was ok.

ME: Its fine, there just isn’t anything more to talk about

HIM: So whats up

Ok.

ME: Going to karaoke

HIM:So just curious. Its ok for u to msg me text when u had my num and call but its not ok 4 me to msg u back and be friendly.

Kool. Have fun. Havent done anything like that forever havent even took a drink 4 ever

ME: I didn’t mean to imply that Brandon.

HIM: K

Napalm

I’m addicted to this feeling…

Like napalm, the desire sticks to my insides….

burning me alive.

But I keep rising out of the ashes.

Even as ashes, I still can’t settle.